Hacking: 101
by TipsyMcStagger
Summary: Takes place shortly before Arkham Asylum. Riddler is hired to hack the Asylum's security system, but he also has to teach Harley Quinn how to access it. But teaching takes patience, and patience is not one of Riddler's virtues. Please review, even if it is a short review.
1. A Job Offer

"I've got it! An Iron Maiden from which he must escape from as it slowly closes and burns him alive! Yes! Edward, you truly are a genius! First, he must solve a quick series of mathematical equations which in turn, will give him the combination to… No, that's not it. He may have a calculator hidden in his cowl."

Riddler crumpled up the piece of paper in his hands and discarded it to the pile of scribbled notes and shredded drawings in the dustbin of his cell, which was covered in green question marks.

"Cutting and cutting and cutting and cutting and…" Zsasz repeated inanely from the cell next to Riddler's.

"Oh dear, our esteemed Victor is having another one of his psychotic episodes again." Riddler mused as he buried his face in his hands.

Two Face stood up and faced in the direction of Zsasz's cell.

"Zsasz! Shut your mouth or I'll cut you in two!" Two Face bellowed as he raised his fists in a furious manner.

That seemed to shut him up for the time being and Zsasz returned to staring at his mutilated wrists while in deep thought about where he should make his next mark.

"Eureka!" Riddler exclaimed once again, leaping up from his cot.

Half of Harvey was annoyed, the other half was… Well…

"I swear to god I'll kill you if another word comes out of your mouth…" Two Face grumbled in a low and threatening voice.

"The electric floors in the inner cells! I'll simply trap him in a straightjacket and force him on the floors! That'll really put his critical thinking skills to the test! And then I'll set a timer for the floor to go off in 30 seconds! I mean, I can unbind myself from a straightjacket in under 30 seconds! This'll ensure his demise and provide con-crete evidence of my intellectual superiority! Oh Edward, this truly is a great chapter in the history book of genius! They will call you Nigma the great! Nigma the genius! Nigma the…!"

"They'll call you Nigma The Bastard who got sawn in half because he couldn't shut up if you go on for any longer!" Two Face yelled once again.

"Ah Dent, still relying on The useless dregs of Gotham to do your dirty work, rather than utilizing that mass of brain cells in your skull? Tell me, did the acid that desecrated your face also diminish the already scarce amount of IQ points you possessed? Or did it simply make you twice as inferior?"

"YOU!" Two Face venomously began.

"Alright, everyone listen up!" A loud and domineering voice rang out.

"It's feeding time for you freaks, and I don't want any funny business or you'll be at the wrong end of my stun baton! Understand?"

It was Aaron Cash, and beside him, Frank Boles. They all called him the Red Guard because of how his face goes red after he gets drunk; on the job, of course. All the inmates put their hands on their heads, turned around and knelt down with their hands sticking out of the bars of their cells. Zsasz was the last of all the inmates to do so.

"Well, time to force myself to consume an nutritionally imperfect meal that I could easily improve upon simply by…

Boles rammed his baton against Riddler's back.

"Quiet, Nigma!" Boles barked at him as he slapped a pair of cuffs on Riddler's wrists.

"Is that cheap and inelegant Bourbon I smell? You've been drinking again, haven't you Officer Boles? Now why the sudden relapse into the sad vortex of alcoholism? Has your wife been engaging in numeral extramarital affairs again? Or is it the contrary of what I suspect?"

Boles' face turned redder than ever as he turned on his shock baton.

"Boles! No shocks unless the inmate gets violent! Do you understand?!" Cash ordered him.

Boles grumbled as the bars opened and the inmates began marching single file out of the cell block and towards the cafeteria.

Plop.

That was the sound it made when the inmate dropped the mass of the poor imitation of mash potatoes and peas onto Riddler's plate.

"What is this supposed to be? Mashed potatoes? This could hardly pass for sewer filth, let alone a meal fit for a human…

"Next!" The guard shouted as Riddler was forced out of line and led to an empty table.

"Ah, the great sense of solitude…" Riddler sighed as he sat down by himself, grateful that he was left alone with his brilliant thoughts.

Riddler began shoveling the vile mass of goo into his throat, washing it down with the chlorine cleansed water that he was poured, when suddenly, his vile dinner was interrupted by a rather rude slap on the back.

"Eddie! You old dog! How long has it been?!"

Riddler nearly choked on the concoction of potatoes and water when he felt the slap. It was The Joker, his skin as white as the goo he was eating and his voice as piercing and boisterous as ever.

"Well if it isn't the clown prince of crime!" Riddler greeted him sarcastically as he coughed up bits of his dinner.

"Now that's no way to greet an old friend!" Joker chipperly breezed as he planted himself right next to Riddler with his arm over his shoulder.

"We are hardly "friends", you insane rodeo stooge." Riddler began as he turned his face towards Joker's.

The Joker edged his chin up proudly at the mere mention of the word "insane".

"You try to outwit and outshine me at every turn, an ambition for which you are so seriously undertalented for!"

Joker's mouth morphed into an O, sarcastically gasping at Riddler's boasts.

"I am Batman's true arch nemesis, I am the one who can outmatch him anytime and anyplace, and I am the one who will defeat him and bury him, once and for all! So if you'll excuse me, you crude scaramouche carricature, I will now return to my dinner while basking in my own genius!"

Riddler snapped his head back to his lunch tray and carried on with the shoveling process once again. The cafeteria rang with Joker's trademark mad laughter, with the more unstable inmates joining in purely for the sake of acting crazy.

"Oh... Eddie... And they say I'm a delusional madman! Well.. I guess I can forget about that job offer I wanted to tell you about..."

"Work? For you? Ha ha ha ha! I am The Riddler! The seas of the pacific will run dry the day I ever even associate myself with someone as unsophisticated! Sloppy! Disorganized and atavistic as you!"

"Yes, yes. But what if the circumstances were... beneficial to you?"

"Please, there is nothing that you can give me. Nothing of any value, intellectual or otherwise that can interest me!"

"How about getting the hell out of here?" Joker whispered as a smirk spread across his face.

Riddler froze for a moment before turning to face Joker's mad face.

"Are you implying I need your help to escape from this intellectual wasteland? I am The Riddler! And I will never...

"If you could've, you would've." Joker flatly said, his amusement running out.

"I've heard that you're a wizard with computers."

"I've engaged in endeavors of the digital kind before... what of it?"

"You see, I need a man. A smart man, to help me hack the security consoles and hand over the keys to the Asylum... to me. In exchange, I'll set you and every other inmate in this hellhole free."

"What a brilliant and tactically sound master plan! There's just one little hole... How do you propose I get into the console room, you ignorant, primitive..."

"Let's just say I have an ace up my sleeve... So, are you in or are you out?"

Riddler looked like he was in deep thought for a moment, before finally deciding to speak up.

"Very well. I shall use my great knowledge of all things digital and my colossal cognitive prowess to assist you in your... intellectually questionable plan..."

"Great! You're on board the Joker train! Choo Choo!" Joker manically shouted as he tugged at the invisible train whistle above his head.

"I hope your behavior becomes more nuanced and subtle as time goes on."

"I swear I'll be on my best behavior! Scout's honor!" Joker piped up as he held up two fingers in a mock sign of respect. Then he turned around to walk away.

"There's just one more thing I forgot to tell you about, Eddie. " Joker turned back, speaking again.

"Since I won't be around for most of the time, you'll have to teach Harley how to use the controls."

The Riddler leapt out of his bench, his eyes boring into Joker's.

"What?!"

"Sit your ass down, Nigma!" Cash bellowed.

Riddler quickly obeyed.

"I am The Riddler! Gotham's premier genius! How dare you try to make me share my knowledge with someone as intellectually challenged and psychologically primitive as Harley Quinn?!"

"Either teach her or rot in here, Eddie, it's your choice." Joker said, frustrated.

Riddler looked to the back and saw the bubble headed blonde waving to him with a cheerful smile on her face.

"Hey Eddie! Guess your my teacher now, huh?" Harley yelled at him enthusiastically while jumping up and down.

"You cannot be serious."

Harley put both of her hands on her lips and blew Riddler a huge kiss, which Riddler reacted to with disgust.

"Harley! Stop flirting with your new professor!" Joker said sternly.

"Sorry puddin'!" Harley sheepishly said, putting her hands behind her back with her head hung low.

"You're going to have a hell of a time, Eddie! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA~!"

"The things I do for freedom." Riddler sighed as the cafeteria drowned with laughter once more.


	2. Orientation Night

"Officer Cash, I'd like to return to my cell please." Riddler requested the one handed guard, desperately wishing to escape the hyena like cackling of The Joker.

"Come on, Eddie! What's the harm in getting to know your new student? You could at least have dinner together!" Joker gasped out, barely able to get the words out

Cash nodded and gestured to one of his men. He slapped the cuffs on Riddler's wrists and began marching him out of the cafeteria. Unfortunately, Harley was seated right by the exit, next to Poison Ivy, of course.

"Hey! Hey Eddie!" Harley cried as she stood up from her bench. Riddler tried his best to ignore her.

"When are we gonna start? Hey! I'm a great student, that's what my professors always said!" She babbled while trying to follow Riddler outside.

"You can hear me can't 'cha? Hey! Wait a minute!" She clasped both her arms around Riddler's neck, he turned right around and faced her with the same irritated look in his eyes. She slowly walked towards him.

"Look… I'm a great student, I mean it! If you'd just let me prove it to ya…" She whispered in a hushed and seductive tone as her hand stroked Riddler's ear.

Riddler pushed her aside with his cuffed hands, his head turning to the left.

"Unhand me, you promiscuous bimbo! Do you think I'm going to teach The Joker's harlot the most valuable of all my secrets just because you're willing to stroke my genitals?! I am The Riddler and you will not…"

The next sound that rang through the cafeteria was Harley's lunch tray swiftly hitting the side of Riddler's head.

"Vile temptress, she will pay the price. She and that insane clown boyfriend of hers! They will kneel before The Riddler and beg me for mercy! First, I'll…"

"Oh, just shut your gob and read your damn book, Nigma! Bloody smart-arse..." Penguin grumbled as he scanned the pages of the copy of "The Godfather" in his hands.

Riddler came to the library to find a book on Computer codes… And to complain to someone about Harley, of course. He thought venting to someone would be a good way to cool of after tonight's… interesting turn of events. Penguin wasn't having any of it.

"Very well, Cobblepot. If you, like many of the worms who reside within this hovel, fail to recognize my genius or appreciate the sheer sophistication my speeches bring you, I'm going to resign myself to the quiet and solitude of my cell." Riddler said with an air of contempt as he got up from his chair with his left arm wrapped around a large book about Computer codes

"Aw, I'm heartbroken. Sodding arse…"

Riddler stalked out of the balcony and began climbing the steps down to the first floor, with a large bandage around his head, and with Harley's "attack" still in his mind.

"How dare that idiotic concubine attack me? ME?! The Riddler! Doesn't she know what an atrocious offense it is to strike one's intellectual superiors? Let alone someone as magnificent and ingenious as I…"

Riddler stopped in the middle of his rant when he bumped into none other than Harley Quinn herself in the staircase and saw her walking up the stairs, her eyes glued to the pages of a Bugs Bunny comic she borrowed, and her mouth curled into a bubbly and excited smile.

"Ah, Miss Quinn, I see you are engaged in discovering the great excitement found in classical literature! Well… Classical literature to you, anyway…"

Harley glanced up quickly and her smile twisted into a childish frown and her eyebrows wrinkled as she began to climb the stairs at a faster speed.

"Don't you think you should at least show some respect?" The Riddler told her as she walked past him.

"Respect?" Harley venomously spat as she turned around and walked towards him with fury in her eyes, which admittedly, looked more like she was annoyed than insulted.

"I tried to tell 'ya that I could be a good student! And I was gonna be one, too!" She yelled as she punctuated it with a pound to the Riddler's chest.

"But then you decided to call me a pro… pro… Uh, you called me a promiscu-less bimbo!" Harley pounded him in the chest again after being able to finally find the right words. In her mind, anyway.

"And if it wasn't for my puddin', you'd be lying dead, in the morgue with your skull smashed in!" She growled with her stunning blue eyes boring into him and her hand clutched onto his shirt.

"Oh, Miss Quinn, do you really think that I would allow you to kill me? It's impossible to kill me! For you see…" Riddler placed his hand onto her shoulder and pushed her away, before crossing his arms.

"I'm simply too clever to die!" He grandly declared with a smug smirk spread across his face.

"Huh?"

"Yes, and if you or anyone tries to attack me, I'll simply put the unlimited number of brain cells in my possession to good use and think of a way to counter and defeat any method of homicide you attempt upon me."

An awkward silence filled the staircase as a very confused Harley simply stared at a very smug Riddler.

"Well? What haphazard and primitive method are you going to impose upon me next? Are you going to take your animalistic mallet and pound me into submission? You can't, because I can simply dodge them. Are you going to attempt to poison me with your boyfriend's joke of a cologne that you call Laughing gas? You can't! And do you know why? Because I know how to flush it out of my system in under 10 seconds? Are you going to…"

"OUTHINK THIS!" Harley bellowed in a frenzy and she spun and dealt Riddler a nasty right hook in the same spot she hit him before.

Riddler doubled back in agony, a stinging pain grew in his temple.

"You spiteful, disrespectful, arrogant little harlot! How dare you strike me? You will pay for this! You shall fall to the ground and cry like the child you are, and you will know that…"

"Enough." A smooth and collected voice sounded. It was Two Face, and it was "Harvey" speaking.

"From what I gather, you two are supposed to be working together."

Riddler and Harley simultaneously shot up.

"Working together? This ignorant child can hardly qualify to be my…"

"There is no way in hell I am ever working with this…"

"Quiet. Both of you." Two Face growled before switching back to Harvey.

"If you two are supposed to be cooperating, I don't see why you should be so hostile to one another."

"Yeah? And why do you care, burn notice?!" Harley asked with a hint of hostility in her voice.

"Because if The Joker wants cooperation between two inmates, that means he's planning something big, most likely an escape."

Harley looked like she was about to ask Two Face how he figured it out but he hushed her before the words could fall out of her mouth.

"And if a breakout means my early release, then I want things to go smoothly, and that means you two cooperating peacefully."

"And why should I care about your needs, Dent?"

Two Face rolled his eyes at Riddler's apparent lack of common sense.

"Because if I bust out, you bust out… Genius." Harvey mumbled with an air of derision.

Harley crossed her arms and pouted while Riddler looked away with arrogance written all over his face.

"Make up. Both of you. You're supposed to be the genius of Gotham and you're supposed to be the right hand woman of one of the most powerful men in the city, start acting like it."

Two Face then began climbing up to the top floor.

"Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some reading to catch up on." Harvey said calmly.

Riddler spied the title of the book clutched in his hands.

"A NUMEROLOGY book, Dent?! How predictable!" Riddler cried to Two Face.

"I swear to god, Nigma!" Two Face shouted in anger.

Another awkward silence filled the staircase as Harley continued to pout and Riddler began to rub his temple.

"I'm not sorry about bashing you in the head."

"And I'm not sorry about calling you a "Promiculess bimbo"."

Harley knelt down to pick up her comic book and a copy of…

"Sigmund Freud's "Studies on hysteria"?" Riddler asked quizzically.

"Yeah, what's it to 'ya?"

"Well, I didn't think you could read!"

Harley took offence at this and frowned.

"I have a PHD in Psychiatry, remembah'?!"

"Well, yes. But I thought that you slept your way to the top! But who's to say you didn't?"

"Unexpressed emotions never die. They are buried and…"

"And will come forth later in uglier ways… I've read his works as well."

"Yeah. He was a real hoot, that Freud." Harley muttered before turning around to walk away.

"Miss Quinn." Riddler quietly stopped Harley.

"Maybe, perhaps, possibly… I may have misjudged you is all I'm saying."

Harley looked slightly less angry at that remark.

"And a wise man once said that you should never judge a book by it's cover…"

"George Eliot, 1860." Harley said as a proud smile returned to her face and the glint of childish excitement sparked to her beautiful blue eyes. Riddler's brown eyes on the other hand, flashed with shock and awe.

"Really, I am impressed. And…"

"Yeahhhhhhh?" Harley asked in delightfully playful tone as clamped her arm on Riddler's shoulder.

"Maybe you're much smarter than you let on… And even geniuses can suffer pratfalls sometimes so I admit, I was wrong about you Miss Quinn."

"Yahtzee! I made The RIDDLER admit that he was wrong!" Harley exclaimed as she messed up the Riddler's hair before doing a bunch of cartwheels and backflips.

"Quiet! I have a reputation that must remain untarnished!"

"If 'ya say so, Eddie!"

A third awkward silence filled the staircase as Harley bent down to pick up her books once again, giving Riddler full view of her butt.

"Like whatcha' see, brainiac?"

"Don't…

"Who am I kiddin', of course ya' do! Who wouldn't!"

"I think it's about time we..."

"Yeah, yeah. I'm sorry about the whole trying to murder you with a lunch tray thingy, yada yada yada. Can we move on?"

Riddler smiled, satisfied.

"Ah, I do believe this is the first time anyone other than the Joker has ever achieved in the endeavor getting you to… apologize?"

"Yeah, yeah Eddie, you win."

"Very well! Then tomorrow is a new start, a wiping of the slate, so to speak." Riddler triumphantly said.

He extended his hand out to Harley, waiting for a handshake.

"Yeah, Eddie!" Harley exclaimed as she smacked Riddler's open palm with her's.

"We meet tomorrow at 3pm in the third floor, we shall discuss our plans there."

"Sure thing, I can't wait!"

She hugged him. He didn't like it very much.

"Please. I'm not very responsive to your so-called "Human Affection"."

He brushed her off.

They began to walk out of the library.

"You know, I think that minor concussion you gave me back there is starting to rear it's ugly head. My vision is slightly distorted."

"It's alright, we'll just send you up to the infirmary to get yourself patched up again!"

Riddler glanced at the clock tower outside the library.

"It's 10:33 P.M, I don't think the doctor is particularly interested in working 3 hours over time."

She giggled at that.

"Then I'll help patch it up! It's the least I could do!"

"Really? Are you even aware of what one is supposed to resort in time of…"

"Oh Eddie, relax! I'm a doctor, remember?"

"And I've studied medical books to great detail. Maybe I should be responsible for my own healing from now on."

"Ohhhhh, at least let me help you get home, ya sourpuss!"

Riddler shifted his admittedly light weight onto Harley's shoulder, limping as they made their way back to the cells.

Suddenly, a familiar growl erupted through the staircase.

"COBBLEPOT! YOU FAT LYING BASTARD, I'LL KILL YOU!"

Two Face apparently found out that Penguin was selling him fake data. The two tumbled down the stairs with Two Face's hands balled up into throbbing fists.

"Help! Help! Guards! He's gone bloody mad! He'll kill me! CASH! Help!"

This sight allowed Riddler and Harley to chuckle and giggle like a madman respectively on their journey home.


	3. Lesson One

"Late, late, late. Alice, you are late, late, late. You are very, very late indeed." The Mad Hatter mumbled while reading a tattered old copy of "Alice In Wonderland".

"Quiet, you delusional milliner! I have to keep my brilliant mind focused on my notes!" Riddler barked at Hatter.

"Shut your ass up, Nigma! This is the few moments of peace and quiet I get!" Cash yelled at Riddler.

"Why of course, Officer Cash! I am nothing if not a law abiding, not to mention intelligent inmate! My, but your hook looks particularly shiny today!" Riddler patronizingly gushed.

"Ooh Eddie, are ya' friends with Cash now?" Harley mockingly inquired with a pink bubble between her lips which popped in front of Riddler's face.

Hatter went berserk upon getting a glimpse of Harley's blonde hair.

"Alice! You are here! Oh Alice, you were late late late, but it's ok now! I now have tea for two, which I'm going to share with you! Oh please Alice, I don't show any malice. Please come with me and... Oof!"

Cash had dragged him by the collar and cuffed him.

"Alright, Tech, that's enough reading for you today." Cash said as two guards led Hatter out of the library and back to the cells.

"No, please! I must have my Alice, please let me stay! I promise I'll behave! Come with me Alice!"

"Bye bye, Dr. Tech!" Harley said cheerfully while waving and standing on her toes.

"He's a real funny guy, huh?" Harley asked Riddler, pink bubble still between her lips.

"You are late, Miss Quinn."

"Yeah, I'm sorry! Mistah' J had me beat up a bunch of Falcone's guys with a lead pipe this mornin' and Boles was at me the whole day!"

"You are 30 minutes late, this is hugely unacceptable and is a clear sign of disrespect to me, The Riddler... Uh, I mean, your teacher!"

Harley was reading her Bugs Bunny comic again before Riddler snatched it out of her hands.

"Hey! Give that back!"

"How dare you read this infantile garbage while I'm lecturing you?! You are never to do something as disrespectful and insulting to me ever again!"

Harley crossed her arms and pouted, a furious glare sparked in her eyes.

"If Mistah' J didn't need you, I would've bitten your ear off by now!"

"Really? Well, it just so happens that your master has commanded you to learn from and obey me!"

"Mistah J is not my master! He just... screams at me a lot and orders me around all the time and hits me when he can't kill B-Man and...

"Please cease with the domestic Greek tragedies. Unlike Zeus, I do not have time for trivialities such as a spat between lovers."

Riddler took out a pile of papers and a pen.

"Now, as punishment for your blatant disrespect and severe tardiness, you must copy the words 'Edward Nigma is the greatest and most magnificent man who has ever lived.' 100 times." Riddler smugly announced as Harley's jaw dropped.

"But! But you can't!"

"Oh yes I can. I am your teacher and more importantly, your intellectual superior. And this is how you learn."

"But Eddie..."

"And from now on until the end of our lessons, you shall address me as 'Mr. Nigma, sir'."

"Eddie, this is the dumbest..."

"Miss Quinn, if you cannot get the most basic of honorifics correct, then I do not see a point in furthering our studies together." Riddler said, seemingly giving up as he got up to leave.

"Wait!" Harley cried with her soft hand on Riddler's arm.

"There's got to be a way I can make this up to yah'..." Harley whispered seductively as she stood up and pressed her body against Riddler's.

"What in the hell is going on here?" Cash thought out loud.

Riddler sighed with a tone of disappointment in his voice.

"Miss Quinn, I was under the distinct and now currently questionable impression that you were not the air-headed and common idiot that you pretend to be in order to please your master." He rebuffed harshly as he pushed her away.

"And if you must carry on with this painful charade, I respectfully request you leave me out of it!"

Harley knew that she was supposed to feel insulted, angry even, but all that has passed. Now, all she felt was disappointment at the fact that The Riddler didn't want her.

"Fine, whatever you say Mistah' R." She sighed disdainfully as she sat down, staring at the papers.

"I'm not one of your clown boyfriends! It's Mister Nigma, sir! Not...

"I'm callin' ya' Mistah' R, take it or leave it!" Harley barked as she ripped up the papers.

"You can't..."

"You can't order me around anymore! We aren't supposed to be teacher and student! We are supposed to be equals!"

"Equals? Ha! Ha! Ha! We are hardly equals, Miss Quinn. Just because I acknowledge that you're not as intellectually challenged as you seem does not mean by any stretch of the imagination that we are..."

"Can we just stop this and start learnin'? This is supposed to be a fresh start for us."

"Very well. If you must insist on being an impatient and undisciplined and bad student, we shall begin with the basics.

Harley sighed as popped her bubble once again, her hand on her cheek and her head turned to the side.

"It all begins with the three keycards. The Asylum's security system is protected by three keycards carried by the most trusted guards in the Asylum, one of whom is that unjumped, one-handed cutthroat, Aaron Cash. I have no knowledge of the whereabouts of the other cards but I'm sure Joker will take care of it."

"Mmm hmm." Harley said with barely any attention as another bubble formed between her lips.

"Spit out that cohesive piece of confectionary, Miss Quinn." Riddler flatly said.

"Wha'? No!" Harley stubbornly refused.

"Spit it out, Miss Quinn"

"Or what? Are ya' gonna take it from me?"

"Spit it out."

"Make me."

"Miss Quinn...

"Why don'tcha take it from me..." Harley stuck her tongue out with the gum on the tip.

Harley placed her hand on Riddler's messy head of hair and pulled his head close, less than an inch away from hers.

"Mistah' R."

He could literally smell her sweet and strawberry scented breath, still fresh from the bubblegum.

"Aww yeah, you like that don't cha? You dirty little minx. Come on, go for it!" Penguin whispered lasciviously, discreetly watching from below.

Riddler paused for a moment, staring at Harley who had her eyes closed and her tongue still extended, before daintily plucking the gum from her tongue and sticking it right on her forehead.

"Wha'! Hey! That's cheatin'!" Harley screamed indignantly while removing the gum from her forehead.

"I do not cheat, Miss Quinn, I artfully obfuscate! You presented me with two options, and I, The Riddler, brilliantly created a third option!" Riddler said with an air of playful superiority.

"Aww, you're no fun!" Harley complained.

"Bloody hell, Nigma! When a bitch like that wants to snog ya', you take it! And I was about to get off on it, too!" Penguin yelled.

"Blubberpot? You pervert! I told you to stay away from me!"

"Alright Cobblepot, get your ass outta' here!" Cash ordered.

"Cash, I'm not done with you yet! I still remember what you did to me and my men! I'll...

"Get him out of here!" Cash ordered his guards who dragged Penguin out of the library kicking and screaming.

Riddler and Harley shared another laugh at the sight of Penguin's misfortune. After the laughter died down, Riddler spoke up.

"Miss Quinn..."

"Hmm?"

"If my studies of human behavior serve me correctly, you were attempting to persuade me to... kiss you?"

"Well, actually I was going to bite your tongue and then kiss ya', but yeah, that was the general idea."

"Why?"

"Well, my puddin's great and all but he ain't all that interested in... couple's recreational activities."

"What?"

"He doesn't like it when we get close."

"Please cease with the poor metaphors."

"We haven't slept together since forever!"

"Well, that goes without saying, we all have our own cells after all... Oh, you mean coitus!"

Harley looked as frustrated as Riddler slowly pieced her metaphors together.

"Yes, Eddie. Coitus."

"But why would that idiotic madman refuse you? I mean, you're highly attractive by objective human standards, and I quite frankly find sexual attachment disgusting but it simply doesn't make any sense!"

"Really? Do ya' mean it, Eddie?"

"Mean what?"

"That I'm attractive."

"Well, of course, anyone who doesn't suffer from some kind of vision paralysis of some sort can see that! From what I can gather, big and expressive blue eyes are beautiful and red and full lips are attractive as well. And since you have both, I would make the logical assumption that you're attractive."

"Aww... Eddie! That's the sweetest thing someone's ever said to me who didn't have a gun to his head!"

Harley leapt up and planted a kiss on Riddler's cheek.

"Argh... Thank you for that display of gratitude, I see you are finally learning how to show respect for your intellectual superiors."

"I love you too, Eddie." She said sarcastically.

The pair spent the next two hours discussing their plans to hack the security system.

"...And furthermore..."

"Eddie, I'm tired, can we finish this tommorow?"

Riddler looked incredulous at her state.

"Oh, very well. Even geniuses must take a break every once in a while."

Riddler looked at the clock and saw that it was nearing 7 PM.

"It's almost dinner time, we have to get to the cafeteria."

Plop.

"Oh, joy. Is this the leftover sewage waste from last night?" Riddler asked the inmate serving the food.

"Move it, Nigma!" Cash yelled at him.

Riddler sighed and joined Harley at their empty table.

"Great food, huh Eddie?"

"Only if your taste buds are as primitive and deteriorated as Killer Croc's."

Harley giggled at that.

"Where's that mad clown? Isn't he supposed to be here with you?"

"Oh, Mistah' J got in an argument with Zsasz and he kind of cut his face."

"Who cut who?"

"They cut each other up."

"What a shock."

"Yeah, and they're both in solitary confinement tonight."

"Most unfortunate for you, what with Cobblepot and his carnal instincts creeping about."

Harley glanced up and saw that Penguin was lustfully gazing at her from afar.

"Ew."

"Yes, indeed. Does The Joker have people to protect you?"

"It's alright, Eddie. I can take care of myself, I'm tougher than I look!" Harley said proudly.

"Yes, I've seen you in combat before. But you had your primitive mallet then, and that was against 3 men. Cobblepot has over 10 men."

"Eh, I'll manage."

"I don't think your acrobatic skills will aid you much."

"Everyone always underestimates the promicu-less bimbo." Harley said with a psychotic smirk as she washed down her potatoes with a glass of water.

The inmates finished their dinner and Harley began walking back to her cell with Riddler nowhere to be seen.

"You slutty little minx." Penguin blocked Harley's path, looking up at her.

"I appreciate the compliment, Blubberpot. Now, piss off! You're in my way!"

Harley tried to walk past him, but his arm blocked the way.

"I like you, Quinn. I like the way you wear your hair..." Penguin whispered as he stroked her large pigtails.

"And the way you carry yourself when you walk..." He began rubbing her hips.

"Thanks but no thanks, Blubberpot." Harley kneed him in the crotch as hard as she could.

"Argh!" He screamed.

Harley started running, but was faced with 3 of Penguin's goons. She did some back flips and kicked them in the face, before cart wheeling the other way and breaking their arms. Eventually, 5 more goons appeared and held her down.

"You broke me bloody balls!" Penguin bellowed in pain.

"Good, I hope it hurts!"

Penguin grabbed himself a handful of Harley's hair .

"Your clown isn't here to save you now. Tonight, you belong to me." He dived his pointy nose into her hair and inhaled deeply.

"Go to hell!" Harley spat at his face.

"Ooh feisty one, aren't ya'? Boys, let's take her to Croc, I'm sure the clown wouldn't mind!"

They began dragging her off before...

"I wouldn't do that if I were you, Cobblepot." Riddler declared, appearing from the shadows.

"And why shouldn't I, Nigma?" Penguin sneered.

"There's 8 of us and only two of you, give me one good reason why I shouldn't have me boys feed you to Croc?"

Riddler put his hands behind his back and began walking calmly towards Penguin.

"True, you could take me to Killer Croc, but why would he listen to you?"

"What do you...?"

"If he finds out that you were the one who told Batman where he was hiding underneath the sewers of The Industrial District, what do you think is going to happen to you when he breaks out?"

"Wha... How do you?"

"How else can you kill me, hmm? You don't have the bravery nor the will to slay me right here and now."

"My boys will...!"

"Your minions don't have the nerve to punch a guard in the face, let alone spill a drop of blood!"

"I'll... I'll take you to Zsasz!"

"And why would he listen to the man who cheated him out of his money in the first place?"

"I'm having a word with Bane...

"Bane?! Oh please, Cobblepot! You tried to have him killed twice and he knows it! Not to mention he's locked up in the lab as we speak..."

"How do you know all this?!"

"Simple. This is my method of survival, I learn the deepest and darkest secrets of people and I reveal them when the opportunity presents itself. It's what I've been doing since I came to Gotham. Now, let her go, you Napoleon complex suffering midget, or does molesting a woman make you feel big?"

Penguin looked like he was about to burst.

"Let her go."

They released Harley from their grip.

"I may not be able to kill you, Nigma. But I can hurt you. REAL bad. Get him boys!"

"What the hell's going on here?" It was Aaron Cash, right on time.

"It's Captain Hook! Run!" One of the goons yelled. Soon, Penguin was the last man standing.

"You bloody wankers! I'll have your family jewels!"

"Burlow! McCarthy! I think it's time we teach this little man some manners!" Cash said menacingly while pulling out his nightstick.

"No! Wait! Please!"

Penguin disappeared under the violently moving bodies of the guards who were beating him with nightsticks. Riddler seized this opportunity, grabbed Harley by the wrist and ran back to the cells.

"How'd ya' do that?"

"Do what, Miss Quinn?"

"You just said words and he stopped."

"Didn't I tell you, Miss Quinn? I'm simply too clever to die!"

They shared another laugh at that.

"Well... Thanks for saving me from Blubberpot back there, I can't imagine having that thing grind on me while moaning in that accent of his. 'Oi, you harlot, you're so bloody tight!'"

They both chuckled at her poor imitation.

"Do not flatter yourself, inferior mind. Do you think my valiant rescue was out of intrinsic charity? I merely did it as you are vital to my escape!"

"I love you too, Eddie." Harley said earnestly before planting a final kiss on Riddler's cheek.

She turned around and walked back to her cell with Ivy waiting.

"What the hell was that all about?" Ivy asked with a quizzical expression on her face.

"Maybe that Eddie isn't such a bad guy after all." She said dreamily.

"I can never understand these meat sacks." Ivy sighed as she climbed into her isolation chamber.

"Bye bye, Mistah' R! I'll see you tommorow!" Harley exclaimed while waving and getting into her cell at the same time.

The Riddler turned around and started walking back to his cell. He collapsed on his cot, exhausted by tonight's events.

"How'd the lesson with Harley Quinn go?" Harvey asked, from his cell.

"It was... enjoyable and amusing." Riddler replied with a faint smile on his face before falling asleep.

Two Face, in his cell, smirked, satisfied that he had guessed correctly.


	4. Final Exam

Plop.

"Ah, the weekly special now, is it?" Riddler snarked as yet another pile of sewer filth, or "breakfast" as the inmates liked to call it, found it's way to his lunch tray.

He quickly planted himself on the nearest bench, which happened to be populated with over 7 tough looking inmates.

"Oh no, it's the Riddle guy!" One of them groaned while burying his face in his hands.

"I ain't sitting with this douche!" One of them said while bolting from his seat.

"Ah, you primitive creatures are clearly cracking under the pressure of the sheer brilliance that I…" Riddler began, only to open his eyes to find that everyone had left the table.

"These imbeciles must have an intelligence allergy." Riddler mused contemptuously before beginning to chow down on his vile breakfast.

He was halfway through washing the potatoes down his throat before he was suddenly blinded by a pair of white hands.

"Guess whoooo… He!He!He!He!" The Joker sang.

"The principles of detection are telling me the ignoramus playing the oldest juvenile trick in the book on me at the moment is none other than…"

"Yeesssss?" Joker playfully whispered.

"Krusty The Clown! How nice it is to see you!" Riddler leapt up while extending his hand out in mock politeness.

"Hey! Hey! Hey! Kids!" Joker poorly mimicked before seating himself next to Riddler.

"How exceedingly droll." Riddler responded flatly.

"Oh, cheer up, Eddie! It's almost the day, remember?"

"I have no idea as to what you are referring to."

"You're almost done teaching Harley!"

"What?"

"Yes! I just talked to her this morning, and she's almost ready to give good ol' Captain Hook the slip!"

"Really? Then her memory capabilities have far exceeded my expectations. And that is saying a great deal since I am very rarely incorrect."

"But of course, Eddie! Well… Except for that last time when you thought Batman would die in your fire trap."

"He cheated!"

"Annnd the last time you thought he would get sliced to ribbons in your pendulum of doom trap."

"He cheated that time too! I had no idea he would bring that avian themed baby into my Riddle Room!"

"His name's Robin, Eddie. And then there was that time you were COMPLETELY SURE that he would drown in your swimming pool of death! So CLOSE! But yet, so f…

"Utter one more syllable and I'll have you eviscerated." Riddler said in a calm, dead voice, staring daggers into Joker's eyes.

Joker backed off and moved slightly away from Riddler with his hands up.

"Ok, ok. Can't you take a joke?"

"The only joke in this world worth laughing at is Batman's sheer incompetence! He can't even die properly!"

Joker had to fight with all his might to not laugh at that one as Riddler cleared his throat.

"As great and impressive my teaching skills are, I have yet to witness Miss Quinn's performance in these practices first hand. And until she meets my requirements for hacking the system, she won't be ready for the control room."

"Well, that goes without saying. Why'd you and Harley arrange another one of your little play dates again and then you can…"

"What?! How dare you desecrate my generous acts of charity! These lessons are a once in a lifetime opportunity, clown! And if you ever try to…"

"Shut up!" Moaned the inmates who escaped Riddler's grandiose speeches at the beginning of breakfast.

"Yeah, those big words are making my head hurt!" Whined another one of them.

Riddler sat down as he tried to drown out the hysterical laughter erupting from Joker's mouth.

"Heh. Heh. Heh. Anyway…" Joker sighed as he wiped a tear from his face.

"Meet with Harley again today, it's high time she put those skills to good use." Joker said with a grin on his face.

"And where is my questionable little protégé today?"

"She's at the gardens with Ivy, I hear she's making her new set of planties! Ha! HA! HA! HA! HA!" Joker bellowed before walking off.

"What a creative soul, I hope he finds his true calling." Riddler mumbled before turning his head to his unfinished potatoes. He quickly washed the rest of his breakfast down with a glass of water before heading to the Botanical Gardens with the computer code book clutched in his hands.

The gardens were being patrolled by two guards.

"Ah, the pillars of our community! Good day to you!" Riddler cheerfully greeted before marching in, only to be stopped by one of the guards.

"Hold it right there, Riddler-freak! Authorized personnel only!" Barked the guard who stopped him.

"And exactly what are the qualifications to achieve a position of such consequence?"

"Huh?" Mumbled one of the guards.

"What does one have to accomplish in order to cross the threshold of this door?" Riddler smirked.

"Quit it with the fancy talk, big words ain't our thing!"

"What do I have to do to get in?" Riddler smugly asked barely suppressing a chuckle at the guards' inferiority.

"Poison Ivy's holding a gardening course for the female inmates! And you don't look like one to me!"

"Excuse me, gentlemen… Are you informing me that the meta human who has control over plants and has limitless knowledge of how to weaponize said plants, is being allowed to be in close contact with plants even as we speak?"

"Yeah… What's it to ya'?"

"And would I be safe in assuming that Warden Sharp allowed these activities to commence?"

"If you mean Sharpie let her do what she does, you're right."

"Ah, this truly is the most secure facility I have ever laid my eyes upon! And you two are doing a superb and almost magnificent job at keeping this Asylum a safe place! I have complete confidence in you gentlemen that you will prevent any and all escape attempts from being carried out!"

"Uh… Really? Thanks!"

"Gentlemen, I would hate to remiss you of your duties, but might you allow me to pass so that I may gaze in awe of your capabilities?"

"Sure!" The guard said as he let Riddler pass.

"Boy, I knew someday someone would appreciate me for who I am!" The other guard cheerfully said.

"Yeah, mom always said I was special! And now I gots proof!"

"Imbeciles…" Riddler muttered under his breath as he found himself greeted by howling and screeching.

"Truly, an orgy of stupidity." Riddler commented as he saw that all of the female inmates were either sleeping on the floor, staring at Ivy with their eyes blank and drool dropping out of their mouths or they were screeching on the top of their lungs. Ivy herself was talking to her flowers, with Harley looking concerned.

"SILENCE, PATHETIC HUMANS! YOU ARE UPSETTING MY PRECIOUS ROSES!" Ivy bellowed at the top of her lungs.

"Ummm, Ivy… Shouldn't you be a little more quiet?" Harley asked sheepishly.

"I mean, the guards are just outside and…"

"SILENCE!" She screamed again.

"Harley, please. Those guards can't tell their heads from their elbows, I hardly think they can figure out my plans." Ivy smoothly said, every word rolling off of her tongue like silk.

"Well… If you say…"

"NOW! MY GENOCIDE OF THE HUMAN RACE SHALL BEGIN SOON! THE HUMANS WILL CRUMBLE BENEATH MY FEET AND WITHER AND DIE LIKE THE ROSES WHO FELL BEFORE THEM! CHILDREN! WE SHALL OPEN THEIR SACKS AND FEAST ON THEIR SOULS!"

Riddler quickly walked up to Harley while Ivy's back was turned.

"Miss Quinn, may I inquire, other than being intellectually inferior to me, what is Miss Ivy's problem today?"

Harley took Riddler by the arm and took him to a shadowy spot in the gardens where Ivy couldn't hear or see them.

"She's on her period!" Harley whispered quickly while she darted her head left and right.

"Don't tell anyone!" She whispered again.

Riddler was perplexed by this fact.

"Do you mean to tell me that a meta human plans her genocidal massacres depending on when her menstrual cycle acts up? Miss Quinn, that truly is…"

"YOU FILTHY MEAT SACK! YOU SHALL PERISH WITH THE OTHERS LIKE EVERYONE ELSE IN THIS WRETCHED WOLRD YOU…"

"Ok, it's time to go." Harley said as she took Riddler by the arm yet again as they ran out of the gardens.

"Where are we going?" Riddler asked as they dashed out.

"Somewhere private!" Harley squealed.

They made their way to the Visitor's center.

"The Visitor's center? Good idea, Miss Quinn! Isolated, quiet, abandoned for years, no one will think to intrude upon us here! It appears some of my brilliance has rubbed off on you!"

"Actually, it was Mistah' J's idea." She said in a daze.

Riddler frowned as he followed the cartwheeling Harley into the center. She closed the door behind them as she broke the glass of one of the stands with a stool.

"So what was it you wanted to talk to me about?" She asked bending over searching for something behind the stand, giving Riddler full view of her butt once again.

"Miss Quinn, I believe the time has come for me to test your hacking skills!"

"Aw, really? I thought the exam wasn't until tomorrow!" Harley said innocently while pulling out a large bomb with a Joker face on it.

"No, no. The break out must occur sooner rather than later, so I must test them as soon as possible!"

"Awww…" She moaned as she carried the bomb to the largest stand and put it behind the glass.

"Miss Quinn, I know you're insane, but are you suicidal as well?"

"Wha'? Harley snapped her head back at Riddler's face, apparently ignorant of the fact that he's worried about the huge bomb she just planted.

"Aw no! That's just a nice little surprise Mistah' J's got planned for… GASP!" Harley said.

"You're not supposed to say the word itself when you gasp, Miss Quinn, you simply do it."

"Aw right… Anyway, I ain't supposed to tell ya'. Mistah' J won't let me." She said casually as she strolled back to Riddler.

"Now, let us put those hacking skills to the… AH!" Riddler exclaimed as he discovered that the stool he tried to sit himself on was broken.

Riddler fell on his back, with Harley standing by him, standing on her hands and laughing.

"Ha! Ha! Not so smart now, are ya'?"

"Oh, how I regret having to resort to such juvenile practices." Riddler sighed before kicking Harley's hand making her lose balance and falling right on top of Riddler.

"Ow! Hey! You made me lose balance!"

"And you mocked my tragic accident, Miss Quinn, this makes us even." Riddler said while crossing his arms.

"Grrrr…" Harley muttered while pinching Riddler's cheek.

"Quid Pro Quo, Miss Quinn." Riddler said while pinching her left cheek.

"Hey! Cut it out!" Harley said.

Riddler felt some powder on his fingers and realized that he had dusted off some of Harley's make up even though she wasn't wearing any face paint.

"Miss Quinn, is that…?"

"Hey! Don't look!"

It was a red blotch on her left cheekbone, about 5 centimeters from her nose.

"If my memory serves me correctly, and I know that it does, that must be a light birthmark!"

"Don't look at it!" Harley yelled.

"Now, now, Miss Quinn, there's nothing to be embarrassed about."

"Yeah, there is! It looks like a real eyesore!"

"What?"

"It is a real eyesore! Mistah' J said so! Why do you think I cover it up?"

For the first time in his life, Riddler was caught off guard.

"Harley, I am by no means sexually attracted to you or any other human on this planet, but going purely by my objective analysis of human attributes, your birthmark is most certainly not an eyesore, but rather feature that serves to make you appear to be even more attractive than you already are, not to mention… Why are you smiling like that?"

She was showing another one of her warm and almost nostalgic smiles again.

"You just called me Harley…"

"Miss Quinn, that was simply a…"

"No one's ever thought my birthmark was pretty before."

"Now, I simply said… hngh!"

Riddler gasped as Harley enclosed him in a tight hug as she pressed her cheek against his.

"You'd be an amazing boyfriend, Eddie. Ya' know that?" She whispered salaciously as she felt up Eddie's lean but tough frame.

"Not the conclusion I would have arrived at but I am the world's greatest everything."

"Mmm hmm. How'd you get such a tough gut?"

"Well, building Riddle Rooms are a rather physically arduous task, Miss Quinn. And since I don't trust those atavistic idiots out there to do it for me, I do most of the work myself."

"That's nice. Mistah' J hasn't done any labor since Valentine's day…" She whispered as her hand found it's way to Riddler's crotch.

"Ah. Miss Quinn, I realize that your hormone are fluctuating quite wildly at the moment, but can you please take yourself off of me? You are putting an unsustainable amount of weight upon my spinal cavity and I am liable to suffer a debilitating injury if you are to continue."

"Oh! Sorry Eddie!" She exclaimed as she stood right up, dusting her uniform clean.

With help from Harley, Riddler eventually found his way back to his feet.

"Now, with that out of the way…"

"Whadd'ya mean? Don't you like me?"

"Miss Quinn, I find you to be one of, if not the most likable, energetic and charming people I have ever met. And you also happen to be one of the few humans I have ever met who I can spend 5 minutes talking to without calling them an idiot."

Harley squealed at the fact that The Riddler just gave her the closest thing to a compliment he could muster up.

"However, I have no interest in coitus and/or copulation of any kind as you will soon discover."

Harley pouted, disappointed at the fact that she probably will not be getting laid for a long, long time.

"Now, let us begin our... AH!" Riddler declared as he sat himself down only to fall again.

"This joint has been abandoned for years, whatdd'ya expect?"

"Then explain to me why the lights are still on!"

Harley shrugged before helping Riddler to sit on the floor as she joined him.

Some time passed.

"Now, you know this, Miss Quinn. What is the method of securing a total lockdown of the entire asylum?"

Harley's eyes went wide as she piped up.

"Use diskette C's protocol to initiate total lockout!" She said with a proud smile.

Riddler smiled with her.

"That's it Miss Quinn."

"Wha'?"

"That was the last question. You know the security system of the Asylum, inside and out!"

"Yayyy!" She squealed as she stood up while pulling Riddler into yet another hug.

"Thanks Eddie! I know it all now!"

"Yes, Miss Quinn. You did well." Riddler reciprocated as he pulled Harley in tighter.

"Awww, Eddie!" Harley cried as she jumped up and down in Riddler's arms. They both began to blush as Riddler broke apart the hug.

"I think it's time we discussed our plans for the break out with your boyfriend."

"Oh right, him."

They exited the Visitor's Center and saw that it was getting dark.

"7 P.M." Riddler noted as he looked at the large clock tower.

"Time to chow down on slop again!" Harley exclaimed as she began cartwheeling towards the cafeteria.

"Let me guess? Are you serving plop tonight?"

Plop.

"Soon, I shall be rid of this wretched hovel and it's vile sewage waste meals!" Riddler declared.

He joined Joker and Harley, who seemed to be trading lame jokes with each other.

"Greetings, my intellectually challenged brethren, I trust we are to discuss the plans?"

"Why, yes! Now Eddie, you've done a fine job teaching Harley. But you'll also have to be the one to hack the computer for us when the time comes."

"Naturally. I won't trust anyone but myself when it comes to matters such as these."

"Now, Officer Boles, that's my ace in the hole, will slip the two guards in the control room some sleepy juice while Harley steals their security cards and Boles gives Harley his. After that, you do your thing, give Harley control over the Asylum and we'll activate the break out protocol soon enough."

"Good. Now, as for my..."

"I wasn't finished yet. In order to activate the protocol, I have to be captured by Batman first."

"Oh dear. Is this another one of your convoluted schemes? Stop being so compulsively complicated!"

"Looks who's talking." Joker laughed.

"I'm busting out on my own tonight, and when ol' Bats gets me, I'll have him right where I want him."

"And when do you plan to do that?"

"In 3, 2, 1..."

BOOM.

A huge hole was blown into the wall, with a dozen Blackgate prisoners brandishing machine guns.

"Down on the ground, nobody move!" One of them yelled to the guards.

"Good luck to both of ya'." He said while running towards the Helicopter ladder hanging from above.

"See ya' soon, puddin!" Harley yelled to Joker while blowing him a kiss.

"We should leave." Riddler said while taking Harley by the hand again.

Riddler escorted Harley back to her cell once again.

"That clown really is mad, isn't he?"

"Mmm hmm, ain't he wonderful?"

"Well, Miss Quinn, good luck to you tommorow." Riddler said while extending his hand sincerely as a form of companionship.

Harley looked uneasy.

"If this break out works, will I ever see you again? Will we have our lessons again?" She asked forlornly while clasping his hand.

"I'm fairly certain our paths will cross again, Miss Quinn. And I'm very rarely wrong." Riddler said confidently.

"Yeah." She pulled his hand towards her and hugged him again.

"Good luck tommorow, Mistah' R." She said quickly before turning around and running into her cell.

Walking back to his cell block, it finally hit Riddler how much he had come to like and even care for the psychotic ex-doctor.

"Are you set for the break out?" Two Face asked as he bumped into Riddler in the hallway to the cells.

"Yes, we should be ready by the day after tommorow."

"Good." Two Face growled as he began to walk away.

"Dent?"

"Hm?" Two Face stopped in his tracks.

"Have you ever cared for someone you've never thought you would care about before?"

"No... Why?" Harvey asked.

"Nothing, it's just that... Nevermind."

Two Face walked away with a smirk on his face, knowing exactly what Riddler is thinking.

Returning to the private confines of his cell, Riddler collapsed on his cot, with a thousand conflicting emotions plaguing his brain. Finally, he fell asleep and began to dream of Harley.


	5. Graduation

"I'm never giving Mistah' J up! No matter how much you torture me!" Harley screamed at Cash.

"Quinn, I'm just asking you if The Joker told you anything before he..."

"Ohhhh No! Is this the part where you waterboard me?! I've seen 24! What happens next ain't gonna be pretty!" She cried dramatically while desperately clawing at Cash's belt.

"Quinn! Quinn! Settle down!" Cash yelled as his guards attempted to restrain her.

"Call the Humane society! Call PETA! He's going throw me into a swimming pool with a ton of bricks on my back!"

She began biting at the air while kicking and screaming.

"Hey! Hey! You two, get her out of here!" Cash ordered his two guards.

The two guards slapped the cuffs on her and dragged her out while she loudly rambled on about "The CIA" and "Guantanamo Bay". Outside the interview room where Harley was dragged out of, was a row of seats filled to the brim of suspects waiting to be interrogated about Joker's escape, the first of which was filled by The Riddler.

"Ah, still sticking to anachronistic and outdated interrogation methods, I see." Riddler quietly mocked.

While still kicking and screaming in the guards' arms, Harley turned her head to Riddler for a split second and gave him a flash of her hand, which had a certain key card in it. Riddler smirked in response to her little secret.

"Riddler! Get your ass in here!" Cash bellowed at him.

Riddler smirked as he waltzed into the interview room with an annoyed Cash breathing down on him.

"Hmm, I wonder what technique are these buffoons going to apply upon me this time." Riddler mused as he sat down.

Cash sat down with a look of fury on his face.

About 30 minutes past.

"Alright, Riddle freak, spill it! Where's The Joker?!" Boles yelled at Riddler.

"You better answer him, Edward. He's a bad man." Cash warmly said as if to warn him.

"Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!" Riddler contemptuously laughed.

"What the hell are you laughing about?" Cash asked.

Riddler chortled for a few more times before composing himself.

"Well, my primitive friends, Officer Cash started out as the "bad cop" and now he's the good one! You and Officer Boles got mixed up about 10 minutes ago!"

Cash leapt up from his seat and slammed his hands on the table.

"We did not! Now, where's The Joker?! You better tell me!" Cash screamed at Riddler.

Boles covered his mouth with his hand in mock-horror.

"Oh, you'd better tell him, Eddie! I can't control him when he gets like this!"

"Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Now YOU'RE the good cop!" Riddler laughed, barely able to breathe.

Cash and Boles looked at each other before quickly leaving the room to discuss their next interrogation strategy.

"In case you're wondering, I still don't know the whereabouts of The Joker!" Riddler taunted as they walked out of the room.

A few minutes past and the two guards re-entered the room.

"Alright, Riddler. We admit it, you don't know where Joker is." Cash said carefully while standing behind Riddler.

Boles moved the table between them away and pulled his seat closer to Riddler, so close that he could see him up close.

"There's just one little problem we still have." Said Boles who was seated in front of Riddler.

"Oh what now? What other trivial and superfluous questions would you like to ask me?"

Boles got in closer and...

"WHAT COLOR IS MY UNDERWEAR?!" Boles asked before slapping Riddler in the face.

"Wha- What is this..."

Riddler got another slap for that.

"I'm asking the questions here, punk!" Boles said menacingly while standing up and poking Riddler in the chest.

Cash stepped up and lightly pushed Boles out of the way.

"No, no. Frank, this is what you're supposed to do." Cash slapped Riddler once again.

"Where's Edward Nigma?!" Cash asked threateningly.

"What do you mean? I'm Edward..."

Cash and Boles swapped places.

"Where's Edward Nigma?" Boles slapped him.

"I'm Edward Nigma!"

"Where's Edward Nigma?" Slap.

"I'm Edward Nigma! I am! I am! I am!"

They carried on with this charade until Riddler was knocked out, at which point he was carried back to his cell.

Awakening in his cell, Riddler struggled to stand.

"Ugh... I realize that my oppressors may be intellectually challenged, but must they resort to applying interrogation techniques which originate from animated children television shows?" Riddler asked himself as he steadied himself as he staggered out of his cell, quickly deducing that it was recreation time. He ruffled his pockets to discover that Boles had slipped his security key card to him, and he smirked. He walked outside and took a quick look at the clock tower and saw that he was an hour late for his appointment with Harley. He quickly dashed to the Visitor's Center just as it was getting dark. Finally reaching the center, he opened the door and entered, only seeing that the lights have been turned off.

"Miss Quinn?" Riddler called out as he stumbled through the dark.

"Miss Quinn?" Riddler asked again as he scrambled for the light switch.

"Miss Quinn, you can't seriously be later than I am, especially when I was just..."

What Riddler saw stopped him in his tracks.

It was Harley, lying on the floor in a fetal position, fast asleep. Riddler was absolutely stunned by the innocent beauty that she displayed while she was sleeping. Her normally manic and chaotic face was peaceful and almost pure, her crazed and childish smirk was replaced by an angelic and loving smile. A warm and crimson blush was on her cheeks and one of her long pigtails lightly touched her left cheek and her red lips were parted slightly.

"Umm... Miss Quinn..." Riddler said as he knelt down to wake Harley up.

He lightly touched her cheek and was surprised by his enjoyment of the warmth, as well as his sudden attraction to Harley and began blushing himself.

"This... This hasn't happened before. I... I'm not supposed to have feelings or attractions of this sort..." He mumbled as he slowly shook Harley awake.

"Mmm... Mmm... Eddie..." Harley moaned as she tossed and turned.

Riddler froze, uncertain of what he was supposed to do next.

"Oh, Eddie... Just five more minutes..."

Riddler felt frustrated at both her apparent laziness and the fact that he could no longer feel her cheek.

"Miss Quinn, this is a matter most exigent! We have to gain control of the security system right this moment!"

She clamped her hand on Riddler's shoulder.

"Can't we sleep for a little bit longer?" She moaned in a suggestive voice.

Riddler's hormones were getting more and more confused by the minute.

"Miss Quinn, please, we went over this yesterday! Cash and the others will be gone from the control room for 20 minutes! Now will you please..."

She dragged Riddler down with her, her sweet blue eyes drilling right into him. He could feel her curvy body right against his lean one.

"Eddie..." She whispered desperately.

Riddler, for the first time in his life, felt the blood run from his brain to his thighs and his crotch, making him feel tingly inside.

She quickly wrapped her arm around his head and pulled him into a kiss.

The kiss was a sweet one at first, with their lips locking into each other, each one craving for the affection and warmth that they've been seeking, with only a brief flick of the tongue before they both broke away for air.

"Miss Quinn... I want to say..."

"Don't. Let's just..."

She put her hands on both his shoulders and turned him over, pinning him to the ground.

"Oh, Eddie..."

She crashed her lips into his before he could say anything, sucking on his lips while messing up his brown hair, blissfully enjoying every moment of it. Eventually, her tongue began poking against his lips, demanding entry. Riddler opened his mouth and before they knew it, their tongues were in a fierce battle for dominance, one lashing after the other until they started to become entwined and became one.

After a few minutes of panting and face sucking, Riddler broke it apart.

"Miss Quinn..."

"Eddie, please!"

"We have to go now! Cash and the others won't be gone for long!"

"Oh, fine!" Harley pouted before releasing Riddler.

They both started to walk out of the center but Harley tried to stop Riddler from leaving.

"Eddie... What happened back there..."

"We shall... discuss this later, Miss Quinn." Riddler urgently said before running to the control room.

"Two guards, both sleeping like babies." Harley whispered to Riddler while peering through the transparent window on the door to the control room.

"Excellent. Let us intrude upon the system then." Riddler said before opening the door to the room with Harley following him inside.

He put the key card that Boles slipped him into the control panel before taking one from one of the incapacitated guards.

"Miss Quinn, the final card, please."

She quickly slipped him Cash's keycard and they were in.

"Yes! My genius has succeeded once again! Bow before me, Batman, for you will know that The Riddler is better than you!" Riddler cried.

"Shh! Keep it down, Eddie!"

"Right, of course."

He looked at the screen, dozens of screens staring right back at him, showing what was happening in every corner of the Asylum, including one screen of Penguin being wailed on by Two Face's men in the patient transfer bend.

"Child's play." He scoffed before inserting his virus diskette into the computer, revealing all the pass codes to all the rooms in the Asylum, he downloaded the mainframe into his blank diskette before inviting Harley to do the rest.

"Miss Quinn, I think you know what to do next." Riddler asked, testing his student's knowledge.

Harley nodded and stuck in the diskette, copying all the data onto the diskette, she then removed the security cards from the panel and stuck in her own blank card in. She then entered a series of codes into the computer which erased all evidence of hacking, completed the download process and finally wiped the security footage of them breaking in.

"All done!" She cried cheerfully before sticking the card into her cleavage. Riddler stared for a moment before leaving the key cards on the desk and walking out of the room, with Harley following him. They walked casually through the hallway until they heard the familiar voice of Cash.

"Eddie! Hide!" She squeaked before dragging Riddler into the nearby Janitor closet.

The closet was tiny and claustrophobic, Riddler got a face full of Harley's sweet scented hair and could once again feel her breasts pressing against him, though Cash's imminent arrival ruined his enjoyment of it.

"Where is that Riddler freak? I haven't seen him since me and Boles went all Spongebob on him earlier today." Cash inquired his fellow guard, the nature of the question infuriating Riddler.

"What'd Cash do to you in there, anyway?" Harley asked innocently, to which Riddler replied with a deep growl.

"Oh Cash, you pathetic little worm, you will kneel soon enough! Oh yes, you'll kneel! You'll cry and scream and beg and..."

"Shhh!"

Cash turned his head and looked at the closet.

"What is it Cash?"

He paused for a moment, but then remembered that people hiding in closets only happened in cartoons.

"Nothing. Let's go pay Penguin a visit!"

"Yeah, let's go!" The other guard said enthusiastically while running towards the patient transfer bend like a kid running towards an ice cream truck.

3 minutes later, the pair decided the coast was clear and exited the closet.

The first thing Harley did upon exiting the hiding place was to smack Riddler in the chest.

"You idiot! He could have found us!"

Making a very special exception, Riddler declined to respond to Harley calling him an idiot.

"Sorry. It's just that he..."

"What?"

"Miss Quinn, will you promise me something?"

"Hmm?"

"Two things, actually. Number one: When the break out happens and The Clown takes over, I would like you to personally make sure that Officer Cash and Officer Boles meet their demise in the most excruciating manner possible."

Harley giggled at that and wrapped herself around Riddler's arm as they began walking back to the cells.

"Sure thing, Eddie!"

"Number two: Promise me when I read the newspaper at the end of the week, I won't be reading about your death." He said solemnly as he turned his head to her with concern in his eyes.

Harley's eyes began to fill with a mix of happiness and tears as she placed a hand on Riddler's cheek and pulled him in for another tender and warm kiss, followed by a hug with Harley burying her cheek in Riddler's chest.

"I ain't afraid of dying, I've got my minions to take care of that. You know what I'm afraid of? I'm afraid that you'll die when you leave the island... And that I'll never see you again." She looked up to him with tears in her eyes.

"Promise me that you'll take care of yourself. Please Eddie! You're the only person who cares about me anymore..."

Riddler gave another one of his trademark smirks.

"Not only are you an idiot, Miss Quinn, but a forgetful one as well! Don't you remember? I'm too clever to die!" He said proudly.

Harley choked on her tears and laughed before hugging Riddler again.

They walked outside, inhaling the fresh air Ivy's trees brought them, before a certain green glowing trophy caught Harley's eye.

"Hey! What's that?" Harley curiously asked before reaching for it only to be stopped by Riddler.

"Don't touch that!" He screamed.

"Huh?"

"If anyone other than Batman touches that trophy, they'll get a huge electric shock through their body!"

"Eddie, why would you leave these for Batman to find?"

"To prove that I'm superior to him! He'll solve my riddles or he'll die trying!"

"Die?"

"Correct. Many of these trophies are located in dangerous and precarious places, and he will most likely kill himself if he tries to get them."

"How did you...?"

"I simply had my henchmen place them all over the Asylum. Those same henchmen will be watching over you for me when I'm gone!" He said while bopping her on the nose

She smiled at this and hugged him before breaking apart and asking another question.

"Wait, why would he try to solve these Riddles in the first place?"

"Excellent question! That's because I have a hostage hidden somewhere in Gotham, locked in a room with a bomb that's set to go off 24 hours after he finds the first trophy! If he finds them all, I give him the location of the hostage. If not..."

"I see! You're smart, Eddie!"

"A given, Miss Quinn." Riddler smugly said before marching towards the cells.

They finally reached the cells with Harley hugging Riddler all the way. They received many strange and confused looks on their way there, including a bitter glare of envy from Penguin.

"We'll see each other again, right?" Harley asked again uncertainly.

"Rest assured, Miss Quinn. I'll always be watching you." Riddler said while glancing above him, his eyes set on the security camera.

"In case we never see each other again... Eddie, I just wanted to say..."

Riddler stopped her by putting his finger on her lips.

"We WILL see each other, Miss Quinn. I know we will, and I'm very rarely wrong. Whatever you have to say, you can say it next time we meet."

She shed a tear at this.

"I'm gonna miss you Eddie."

"And I shall miss you, Miss Quinn."

They shared a warm embrace before she entered her cell and he turned around and walked away.

Arriving at his cell block, he spotted Two Face yet again.

"Nigma."

"Dent."

"Everything run smoothly?" Two Face asked.

"Yes, my genius prevailed."

"Hmph. Good luck to ya', cause if you screw it up, I'll cut you in two!" Two Face screamed.

"Dent, I would like to make a deal."

"What could you possibly give me?" Two Face growled.

"Exactly when the break out will occur."

Two Face's facial features relaxed.

"What do you want in exchange?" Harvey asked.

"Safe passage to Gotham City."

"Done. Now, when?"

"As soon as Batman arrives on the island."

"Good. You can count on me, Nigma, I'm a man of my word." Two Face said before stalking back into his cell.

Riddler collapsed onto his cot with a sense of worry and fear, fear that he many never be able to see Harley again.

"Doubts, Nigma?" Harvey asked from his cell.

"How did you feel when you parted ways with your fiancee?"

"What?"

"How did you feel when you had to leave the one you loved?"

The sound of a coin flipping was heard.

"Sad. I didn't want to leave her, but... She was better off without me."

"But what if she isn't better off without you?"

"Then I would've done whatever I could've to get back to her. Even if it killed me."

"I see. Thank you, Dent." Riddler said.

Two Face lied down with a smile on his face.

Riddler began to sleep. Was his feelings for Harley romantic? Sexual? Was she a friend? He didn't know. For all his college degrees and 200 IQ, he didn't know. And it didn't look like he was going to find out soon enough.


	6. Jailbreak

Riddler sat in the cafeteria choking down his mashed potatoes and chlorine water, triumphantly savoring every last bite of his last dinner in Arkham.

"Soon, I will be rid of this hovel and it's diseased rabble and The Riddler will be emerge as the superior…"

He suddenly felt a baton strike him in the back of the head.

"Quiet down and finish your damn dinner, Nigma! Or do I need to ask where Edward Nigma is again?" Cash asked threateningly.

Riddler immediately adopted a mockingly polite and sycophantic tone.

"Right you are, Officer Cash! Punctuality is truly the most important virtue of all!" Riddler cheerfully piped up.

Cash turned around and walked away.

"Soon, that primitive DNA in your head will be splattered all over the cafeteria floor, you ignorant troglodyte. And then, we'll know where Edward Nigma is… He'll be dancing on your grave! That's where!" Riddler screamed while banging his fist on the table.

"Settle down, Nigma." Two Face declared while seating himself opposite to Riddler.

"Dent. I trust you came over here to inquire me about the plan?"

"Hmph. You really are a genius, aren't you?"

"Well, that goes without saying."

"Any new updates on the plan?" Harvey asked while shoveling his potatoes down his throat.

Riddler scanned the cafeteria and found that both Harley and her men were noticeably absent from the room.

"As you know, Miss Quinn is absent today as she has an important position to occupy in the plan."

"Yeah. And what position is that?" Two Face asked suggestively while flipping his coin.

"That is hardly any of your business, you schizoid maniac. All you need to know is that my master plan will be successful as it is simply too brilliant to fail."

Two Face scoffed at this boast.

"Just remember, Nigma. If we get out, we'll take you wherever you want. If we don't get out, I'll…"

"Yes, yes. You'll find some grimy and inelegant method of murder to separate my body in two halves. It's not exactly a substandard idea, Dent, but some originality and versatility would be greatly appreciated."

"Just get us out of here or you die!" Two Face growled as he picked up his lunch tray and moved to a nearby table with his men.

"You have my deepest assurances, Dent! We will leave this madhouse behind and shed our old identities, and like the phoenix, be reborn in the flames of destruction!"

"Yeah, sure. Identities…" Two Face sadly grumbled as he joined his men.

Riddler turned his head back on his mashed potatoes and sighed sadly while thinking of Harley.

"I wish you good luck, Miss Quinn." He said while glancing up at the cafeteria security camera.

Riddler quickly finished his last meal in Arkham and began marching back to his cell, he was the last of all the inmates in the cafeteria to return to the cells because of his fixation on the security cameras. One of the guards hit him on the shoulder.

"Hurry up, Riddler! What, are you planning some kind of escape or sometin'?"

"Uh… Yeah! Maybe he's hacked the security system and he's just waitin' for a chance to bolt outta' here!"

The other guard laughed heartily at that.

"Yeah! Fat chance, Nigma! This Asylum is an impregnantable fortress, and there ain't no way you're getting' outta' here!"

"Impregnable."

"Huh?"

"The word is impregnable, you incompetent buffoon! Can you even use the most basic of words properly?"

That earned him another blow to the shoulder.

Riddler began marching after the guards while rubbing his shoulder. Before walking out of the cafeteria, he turned around and looked straight at the security camera.

"I'll be seeing you soon, Miss Quinn." Riddler whispered while giving the camera a thumbs up and winking at it simultaneously.

Riddler sat on his cot with a copy of the dictionary in his hand. He took out his pen and began correcting what he thought were mistakes in the book to pass the time as he calmly waited for Harley to activate the jailbreak protocol.

"I'll be here, Miss Quinn." He said to himself.

A few moments passed before Riddler began screaming again.

"It's a travesty! A travesty, I say! How dare they wrongly define the word 'Genius'?" Riddler muttered as he scribbled out the definition and wrote down his name.

Harley strolled casually into the control room as Boles led her in while she was cuffed. There were two guards seated by the computer, who reacted immediately to her arrival.

"Hey Boles, what the hell is she doing here?"

Boles forced Harley onto the chair with her hands still cuffed.

"Cash wanted me to keep her here, she's been causing trouble all day.""

"Why don't you just put her in solid… soli… You know, that cell they keep the mean people in."

"Solitary confinement?" Boles corrected, in which the guard widened his eyes and mouth is realization.

"Zsasz is being kept in there, he's been fighting with the others again." Boles lied.

"Listen, why don't you two go take some time off? I can watch Harley and the monitor."

"Uhh… I don't know, Frank. My trainer told me to watch out for dangerous characters, since they might…"

"Why don't you have a drink on me?" Boles quickly asked while tossing him his bourbon flask.

"Oh boy!" The guard excitedly cheered as he grabbed the flask with both hands as he ran out of the room.

"H-Hey! Wait for me!" The other guard yelled as he quickly followed him out.

Boles waited for a few moments before throwing a box at Harley's feet.

"You have until Batman comes, Quinn. Do it as quickly as you can." He told her as he uncuffed her.

"Sure thing, Frankie!" Harley squealed as she began unpacking the box.

Boles began to walk out to stand guard but Harley stopped him.

"Another thing, Frankie…" She uttered in a low and almost threatening voice.

"Yeah…?" Boles asked, wary of the state Harley was in.

"What you and Cash did to Eddie wasn't very nice…"

"A-And…?"

The room filled with a deathly silence as Harley turned her glare to Boles.

"Nothing! Have fun, Frankie!" She yelled as she switched back to her usual bubbly self.

"Umm… Ok…" Boles said while walking out of the room, unsure of what to make of the situation.

Harley's eyes turned back into a furious glare as soon as Boles left the room.

"Just you wait, Frankie. You're gonna regret screwing with Mistah' R…" She whispered in a menacing tone of voice.

She opened the box and pulled out the Nurse uniform Joker packed for her, along with her boots, some facepaint, her mask, and the diskettes Riddler gave her.

"Time for a change!" She exclaimed as she hid behind a place where Boles or anyone else couldn't see her. She quickly changed out of her Asylum uniform and put on her Nurse uniform before putting on the face paint and her mask.

She stood up and took a good look at herself in the nearby mirror.

"Man, I look great! If only Eddie could see me now…"

She took her seat in front of the computer and put in Diskette A from the box. At once, the system's screen began flashing red, notifying the user of a security breach, which was quieted after Harley put in a few codes.

The monitor kept staring back at her, with her being able to see everything going on in the Asylum. In one corner, it was Zsasz mumbling to himself while staring at his wrists. In another corner, it was Penguin running to the bathroom to puke after eating the mashed potatoes. And in another corner… Wait, what?

"Eddie?" Harley said out loud.

She caught a glimpse of Riddler giving her a thumbs up and a wink through the camera, she couldn't make out the words but it looked like he was wishing her good luck. She gasped at this gesture.

"Eddie!" She shrieked as she fawned over the computer.

"Oh, Eddie… Mistah' J never did this for me…" She sighed as her adoring gaze fell on Riddler.

About 30 minutes past and the adoring gaze quickly turned into a look of guilt and uncertainty as she saw Batman arrive at the Intensive Treatment center with Joker on the gurney.

"I'm sorry, puddin'. I couldn't help myself." She sadly said with her finger on Joker's face.

In a flash, Joker broke free of his bonds, smacked the guard in the face and choked the other one.

"The choke's on you!" Joker said as he watched the life leave the eyes of the guard.

Harley giggled at that.

"Then again, Eddie can't do something as sexy as that."

Joker ran towards the door with his gaze on the security camera and said…

"Honey, I'm home."

"Come right in." She said as she opened the door for him along with the cell doors of every other inmate in the whole Asylum.

Riddler's door opened suddenly, leading to him sporting another one of his smug smirks.

"Right on time, Miss Quinn. Right on time." He smiled proudly before switching back to his smug smirk.

"Good. Gotham will pay for what it has done to us." Two Face growled as he stalked out of his cell.

Riddler smirked at Two Face's escape.

"Well, Dent?" Riddler asked as he gestured at the exit.

Two Face looked at Riddler for a moment before finally speaking up.

"Follow me, I'll take you to my guys." He growled before running out the exit.

"Oh please, after you." Riddler mocked as he followed.

The pair dashed through the chaotic halls of the Asylum, with every single guard either crying for mercy or activating their stun batons in a futile attempt to get the riots under control. They even ran past Zsasz nabbing one of the guards to the patient pacification chamber.

"I wonder what creative and innovative games our esteemed Victor has in mind for that guard." Riddler mused.

"That's none of our business." Two Face replied.

Eventually, the pair reached the front gate which was being overrun by dozens of crazed inmates with about 10 guards trying to snipe or cuff them.

"Boss! It's you!" One of the inmates yelled at Two Face amongst the confusion.

"Hey! Over here! Everything's ready!" Another one cried while pointing at the numerous getaway cars sitting at the gate.

"Thanks to your tip, my boys knew when to come over."

"No need for thanks, Dent. A seat in your car is enough."

They barely made it into one of the cars before Two Face's driver sped off. The other cars followed like a bat out of hell (Pun intended) as they escaped the chaotic riots.

Two Face looked straight ahead as he began flipping his coin once again.

"Where to, Nigma?"

Riddler looked at Two Face's calm face as he spoke up.

"Park Row in Old Gotham. 1511, 225 O'Neil Avenue." Riddler said.

"You heard the man." Two Face ordered his driver. The driver nodded and spun the wheel.

An awkward silence filled the car as Riddler attempted to break the silence.

"So Dent, what new endeavors are you planning to engage in with your new found freedom?"

Two Face flipped his coin before speaking up.

"We're going to rob the bank in the Diamond District." Harvey said calmly.

"The Maroni mob bank? I hate to quash your dreams, Dent, but that bank is the most secure fortress in the entire city. I don't think it's possible to…"

"MARONI WILL PAY FOR WHAT HE DID TO US! I'll steal every last cent from his greasy hands and then blow his bank sky-high! He won't be able to buy a cigarette by the time we're through! And when he's pathetic and begging like a dog, that's when we'll cut his eyes out and put him through the woodchipper!" Two Face bellowed with noticeable fury in his voice.

Riddler conceded.

"I understand." Riddler calmly replied.

Two Face turned to him with some uncertainty.

"He's bested you. Humiliated you. Took what was yours. You want that to happen to him. You want to prove that you're better than him." Riddler bitterly said while glaring at an image of Batman in his head.

Two Face chuckled at this.

"No, Nigma. It's different than that. He stole my identity… my reputation and my life. You don't walk away from that." Two Face said while looking out the window as they passed the Solomon Wayne courthouse.

"I don't suppose you're interested in being our alarm guy for this?" Harvey asked without any hint of confidence.

"Sorry, Dent. But I have some… personal matters to attend to."

"Figured as much." Two Face shrugged.

A few minutes past and they reached their destination, a crappy looking and old building with a seemingly abandoned ground floor apartment at the bottom.

"Here we are." Two Face's driver announced.

Riddler got out of the car and began walking towards it but Two Face rolled open the window and stopped him.

"Don't know why you wanted us to take you to a crap house like this."

"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, Dent. A person like you should know that." Riddler said with a smirk.

"If you're ever interested in being an alarm guy, give us a call." Two Face said.

"I will, Dent. Until then." Riddler said while extending his hand out as a sign of gratitude. Two Face turned his head away and rejected it as the window rolled up and the car sped away.

Riddler began chuckling and shaking his head.

"Still the stubborn old District Attorney." Riddler said as he opened the highly secured and gated door to the warehouse. He looked behind his back to see if anyone was following him before opening the door and closing it tightly.

The front room of the apartment was very clean and tidy, almost exactly the way Riddler left it when he was last there, sans some dust, of course. There were no windows in the apartment, only green wallpaper with question marks written all over it. In the front room was a desk, a bed and a kitchen counter. The desk was made of mahogany and the computer that sat upon the desk was the latest model supercomputer with 3 computer screens. The floor was carpeted green with question marks as well.

"It feels so liberating to be back in my old haunt! Finally, I am rid of that filthy hovel!" Riddler declared as he opened his closet to find his underwear, his shirt, his green business suit and pants, his purple tie and of course, his bowler hat.

He walked to the kitchen counter and poured himself a mug full of hot water before opening the cupboards and taking out a bag of unopened coffee mix and pouring it in and stirring the mixture with his spoon.

"It'll be nice to drink something that isn't a concoction of chlorine and urine once in a while." He muttered while walking into the bathroom and turning on the lights.

He quickly removed his Arkham uniform and put it into his air tight hamper as if it was a piece of uranium. He then took a quick shower, cleansing himself of the germs and filth that infected him at Arkham. On a side note, it was nice to shower without being interrupted by a rat or a cockroach.

He toweled off and moved back to the closet where he put on his suit, hat and gloves while holding his cane as well. He took a good look at himself in the mirror and saw that he was Edward Nigma no more, he was The Riddler, and The Riddler will have his revenge he thought as a proud smile dawned on his face.

Still feeling chilly from his shower and the general freezing cold temperature that came with Gotham in Winter, he turned on the Air Conditioner and set it to heater before collecting his cup of instant coffee and snatching a jar of pickles and some canned pineapple as his first dinner as a free man. He turned on his supercomputer and placed in his diskette before activating his security camera mainframe. He opened up his vast array of security camera footage and chose 3 to be the main features. As his screen loaded, Riddler went to the bathroom to wash his hands to prepare for his dinner, until he felt a great pang in his stomach and fell to his knees. Quickly, he scrambled to the toilet with his head in it, before promptly vomiting out all of the "Mashed potatoes and chlorine" dinners he had consumed during his week with Harley.

"Kof… Kof… I knew the food was hazardous to my health…" He mumbled as he flushed the toilet and reached for his stomach medicine within his medicine cabinet.

He returned to his computer, the front room now warm and the security footage now online. The first screen showed his hostage tied to a chair in the same room with a bomb, crying for his life. Riddler smirked at his victim's emotional suffering. The second screen showed Harley waltzing through the hallways, apparently headed somewhere. Upon seeing this, Riddler smiled. The third screen showed the cell block transfer, where Officer Boles was strapped to a gurney. Riddler optimized the cameras, the audio of the room coming in clearly. Boles seemed to be screaming.

"What the hell are you doing? I did what Joker told me to! Now give me my money and let me go!" Boles screamed.

One of Joker's thugs crossed his arms and walked towards him.

"We could do that. But boss says you're a loose end, and you need to be cut."

At that moment, Harley walked in with a small canister in her hand.

"Hiya, Frankie! Havin' fun yet?" She asked with a deranged smile.

"Quinn! Let me go! Or I'll…"

"Or you'll what? The guards know you're dirtier than my puddin's underwear on laundry day and Batman ain't comin' for ya'!"

"Wait! Please! You don't have to do this!" Boles pleaded.

She walked closer to him and shoved the canister in his face.

"You're right, I don't have to. Puddin' didn't say anything about killin' ya', but…"

She pressed the button on the canister and some laughing gas came out and Boles began to cough.

"Ya' really shouldn't have slapped Mistah' R around the other day." She said in a deadly tone of voice.

Joker's thugs began to look confused.

"Uh… Harley? Did you just kill Boles for The Ridd…"

"Shut up, you idiots! I don't pay you to talk!" She screamed at them.

"Jeez, ok, ok."

Riddler burst into hysterical laughter, overjoyed at the fact his attacker is suffering an agonizing death just like Harley promised.

"Oh, Miss Quinn you never fail to deliver!"

She pulled out a large red marker and wrote on Boles' gurney the words 'Dead End' as he coughed and laughed while gasping for air, leaving him there as if he were a surprise present for Batman

"The Bat's gonna be here any second now, and when he does, kill him!" She yelled before opening the door behind Boles and disappearing behind it.

"Alright, you heard her! Take your positions!"

Riddler began sipping on his coffee while watching Batman enter the room, finger on his cowl.

"Tut, tut, Dark Knight. You just gave away your communication method." Riddler said as he put on his headset while trying to detect Batman's radio frequency.

A few minutes past as Riddler viewed the spectacle unwinding before him, The Dark Knight beating up thugs as if they were bugs to him, swooping up and down like a feral predator.

"Hey, hey! What the hell is going on here? Is that guy dead?" One of Joker's thugs asked in a terrified tone of voice as he inspected the upside down hanging body of his comrade.

"Oh will you shut up?! He's right behind you, you imbecile!" Riddler screamed at the screen while encrypting his communications on the other. Batman made short work of the last thug, choking him out as he finally shut up.

"Perfect." Riddler whispered with a smirk on his face.

"Let's begin." He declared as Batman discovered Boles' corpse.

He finally finished hacking Batman's signal and encrypting his own and began doing a sound check.

The audio was a little fuzzy and crackling but it would have to do.

Finally, he spoke.

"Can you hear me Batman? I know you can…"


	7. Year Two

"I've got it! A room with an electrified floor! There's no way he can survive that! All I need some bait and some sawblades and I can…"

Riddler stopped for a moment, staring at the messy sketch he had in his hands as he sat in his cell.

"Or maybe not." Riddler sadly sighed as he crumpled the paper in his hands.

"Something wrong, Nigma?" Harvey asked from his cell.

"It's nothing, Dent. Nothing at all." He sighed, dejected.

Two Face frowned. Riddler has been acting strange ever since Batman caught him and threw him back here.

"Hey, we'll get back at the son of a bitch. I know we will." Two Face reassured.

"That's what we always say, isn't it Dent? All the time." Riddler replied as he began to drift to sleep.

"Alright, you degenerates! Get your asses up and no funny business!" Cash's loud voice bellowed.

They marched themselves to the cafeteria once again with Riddler weakly following them with a look of defeat on his face.

Plop.

The sound of the disgusting slop he was forced to eat echoed in his ears, reminding him of the false illusion that he had escaped. An illusion dispelled by the police dragging him back to the dreaded hovel he tried to leave.

"Eat up, Nigma. It's disgusting but you need it." Two Face advised.

Riddler stared down at his sewage waste for breakfast and pushed it aside.

"I'm not hungry. Besides, it made a mess of my digestive system last time I tried."

Two Face sighed and got up while picking up his tray.

"I really don't know what to do with you." He said as he left to join his men at a different table.

Riddler spent about the next 20 minutes mumbling to himself quietly.

"He stole my victory from me! He cheated! That lying dilettante! He couldn't have done it! He couldn't have! It's impossible! Over 200 riddles, he couldn't have done it! He cheated! He stole my victory from me!..." He repeated over and over again.

He carried on with these insane mutterings until he felt a sharp slap on his back.

"Eddie! It's so great to see you again!" Harley squealed as she hugged him tightly from behind.

"Ah, Miss Quinn, still as affectionate as ever I see." He snarked as she seated herself next to him.

"Aww, don't be like that! I haven't seen you since you got back to the Asylum! Where the hell you've been?!"

Riddler immediately became dejected.

"I… I've been trying to avoid contact."

"Wha'? With me?!"

"No, not you Miss Quinn. As a matter of fact, I was hoping to run into you. I never came across the opportunity to properly thank you for putting that pathetic excuse of a guard out of his misery."

"What? That? Aw, that was nothing! Just a small gift from little ol' me for teaching me everything I know!"

Riddler smiled for the first time in weeks.

"I'm very grateful, Miss Quinn. Though I'm not sure what my skills can do for you now that the security system has been changed."

"Oh, that's all right! We'll be getting out of here anyway!"

Riddler looked puzzled.

"What do you mean?"

Harley look behind her to see if anyone else was around to hear what she had to say before leaning in close to him.

"They're shutting this place down! It's just like Guantanamo bay!"

"What exactly does that have to do with… Wait, Sharp is shutting the Asylum down?"

"Yeah! Word on the street is, Sharpie's buildin' a mega prison called 'Arkham City' and he's turnin' Old Gotham into one big Asylum!"

Riddler paused for a few seconds, trying to register the ridiculously terrible idea Sharp is proposing.

"Frankly, that's a completely idiotic and borderline suicidal idea. However…"

Riddler paused before another crazy idea popped into his head.

He suddenly smiled before hugging Harley tightly, to which she responded with a quick 'EEP!'

"Oh, Miss Quinn, you never fail to cheer me up!" He said before breaking away.

"Don't you realize what this means?"

Harley stared blankly at him before he finally spoke up.

"It means that I'll have another chance at getting my revenge on that rodent! He stole my victory from me! And I shall never allow that to happen again!"

"That's… great for you Eddie, but how are you gonna do it?"

"Oh, I won't spoil it for you now, Miss Quinn, but I have more than 5 deathtraps all hidden in here." He said as he pointed to his head.

"I will set my carefully constructed conundrums on the Dark Knight and…"

"Yeah, but why would he…"

"The same reason why he attempted my Riddles in The Asylum in the first place. Hostages."

Harley looked uncertain.

"Rest assured, Miss Quinn, I'll get my revenge on the dark knight soon." Riddler declared as he stood up.

"Where are ya' going?" She asked.

"I'm off to plot my vengeance, Miss Quinn." He replied.

She followed him and was about to open her mouth to speak until he hugged her once again.

"I was very glad I ran into you, Miss Quinn. You really pulled me out of the gutter."  
"Uh… No problem, Eddie." She said, unaccustomed to the physical affection Riddler was showing. He pulled away.

"Don't worry about me, I'm very rarely wrong, remember?"

"Well, you did say that we would meet again."

He broke away before walking out of the cafeteria.

"I'll be seeing you soon, Miss Quinn." He said as he waved towards her.

She responded with a sad wave.

"Sure, Eddie." She whispered.

"Guard, I'd like to return to my cell, please." Riddler asked.

The guard nodded and led him to the cells.

As soon as he returned, Riddler scrambled on the ground, frantically searching for the discarded sketches in his trash bin.

"Come on! It's got to be here somewhere!" He screamed desperately.

His hand finally found the plans he was looking for and a smirk dawned on his face.

A long line was formed in front of the telephone, most of them inmates who were trying to beg their bosses on the outside for help. Cries of 'Mr. Thorne' and 'Mr. Maroni' were heard throughout the line. Eventually, it was Riddler's turn. He cocked his head to the side and saw that Cash was staring at him intently.

"You better not be up to anything, Nigma."

Riddler rolled his eyes at Cash's ignorance.

"You just allowed 10 mafia men to contact their employers right in front of you and don't see anything wrong with that?"

Cash looked shocked and horrified.

"They told me they were talking to their uncles!"

"Of course, Officer Cash. I was just joking." Riddler patronizingly said as he dialed the number into the phone. The phone rang for a few seconds before Riddler spoke up.

"Yes, Mr. Fine? It's Nigma, Edward Nigma. I would like to talk to you about the properties for sale in Old Gotham you told me about…"

 **To be continued…**

 **Author's Note: Well, that's it for now! I'm thinking of writing a sequel that takes placed in Arkham City. So, did you like it? Was it any good? Would you like to read a sequel? Let me know in the reviews! Till then!**


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